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Will You Be Ready When Zombies Attack?


Don't laugh! I'm so serious. The black dude -- why did he have to be black, Lawd?? -- who made a feast of that homeless man's face in Miami was just the beginning -- I'm convinced. Yea, yea, yea, I know, homie wasn't dead, so it makes him a cannibal. Siddown, chill out, and listen. A lot of shit has been going down in 2012, and we haven't been preparing. Well, YOU haven't been preparing. I'm getting my cardio and high jumps up from playing Just Dance 3 (zombies can't dance, so the choreogoraphy will stump then."Thriller" doesn't count. Anyone can learn how to dance if MJ taught 'em), so just in case, I'm limber and ready.

How do these thing really start? This is straight out of the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks (get familiar!)

1. Homicide by head shots or decapitation.

Cut the head and the head and the body body shall die. Bodies all over. This normally happens when people try and take the law into their own hands. Sound familiar?

2. Missing persons, particularly in wilderness or uninhabited areas.

Just turn on Nancy Grace. She will let us know which fair-skinned darling we need to search for.

3. Cases of "violent insanity without use of weapons.

They said Miami Zombie was on PCP, LSD, or whatever else that used to get it poppin' back in the sixties. And it doesn't surprise me that it happened in Miami during Memorial Day weekend. A whole bunch of negroes surrounded by water? Where are we going to go? We can't swim! We would have never stood a chance.

4. Riots or other civil disturbances without provocation or other logical cause.

We haven't really muttered Trayvon Martin's name since they arrested George Zimmerman, but remember how UPSET we were? No justice! No peace! Hold on, I just got a text message...

We have a short attention spans. It's easy to bypass one thing for another. We talked about Obama's SUPPORT for gay marriage for DAYS (a bill was not passed, a law was not created) and then celebrities in support of Obama's support. Gag me with a spoon. There are bigger things at hand. But this is what happens! We need to shift our attention to something more flowerly and easy to swallow to get our minds off of the civil unrest. And we fall for it -- every time.

5. Disease-based deaths.

Y'all heard about the girl with the flesh eating wound?? Oh em gee, so not feeling her. The skinny: Aimee Copeland was cruising down a homemade zip line in Carrollton, Georgia (yea, I never heard of it either), and she got cut. Welp, a wound developed which caused necrotizing fasciitis, a nasty bacterial infection that eats away at your precious skin. Umm, eww? Poor girl. To "get rid" of it, the doctors had to amputate her left leg, right foot, and both hands.

Now, doctors say 75 percent of people who have the disease die, so thank goodness Miss Copeland didn't, but imagine if she did? I'm just saying, this is just the start.

If you're not on that path already, get in shape. Zombies are strong, so you have to be stronger. Or at least strong enough so you can run faster. Do some bicep curls with cans of beans, learn to scale a fence, anything. Just keep moving.

You know what? Just do your research. Make your plan. Oh, ou still think I'm reaching? Ok, cool. See you at the crossroads. I'll meet you there.